Too Many Thoughts

Marriage

2009-09-07T13:12:00.005-05:00

I have been giving a lot of thought and prayer to this subject here lately, and I believe I have come to a logical solution.

I realized the other night that I am truly just satisfied with having ONLY God right now. (I know it doesn't sound like much after all this time, but it's a big deal to me, lol.)

I feel so complete with Jesus already, that I don't believe a husband is necessarily a necessity. I am not to the point yet where I would be totally satisfied with NEVER having one, but I am totally satisfied with not having one until it's God's will that I get married, if that is His will. I do believe that with more prayer, I could accept never getting married, if that was God's will. As of right now, though, I don't believe it is. I believe God wants me to marry, but only AFTER I have learned to be wholly completed in Him alone and depend on Him for EVERYTHING.

I know I have a long way to go. I know I need to be confident in myself physically and spiritually, through God, and in my ministry before I even think about getting married. I am on my way to that point, but I know I still have a long way to go.

Right now, I'm trying to work on the "depending on Him for everything" part. It's still hard for me to go to Him FIRST when I'm upset, as I should. My initial reaction is to either blow up, if I'm angry, or call someone for comfort if I'm upset. I know I should instead first speak to Jesus, but it has oddly been one of my biggest challenges. Someone told me once that doing this would be totally uncomfortable for a while, and they were right. But they also said that with time, it will become the most natural thing in the world, and I am BEGINNING to feel that. (Like I said, I feel I am on my way, but still have a long way to go.)

So, in conclusion, I guess, I have for a while been "not looking" for a boyfriend. I think now, though, I have taken a deeper step in that direction. I truly only want to focus on God right now. I don't want to think about dating and marriage, etc. The problem is getting myself to physically agree! ha! :)
"More prayer; more fasting." (:

This Golden Birthday of Mine

2009-08-31T20:50:00.005-05:00

Every day my birthday comes closer. Each day, the thought goes through my head: I am going to be 18 years old in 2 and 1/2 months; a legal adult. I think it used to scare some part of me, actually. But for the past couple of days, I've began realizing that I'm not terrified anymore, which is typical, I guess. I'm sure most adults look back and remember feeling the same anxiousness to just be able to say "I'm an adult."

Now, I know that being 18 doesn't make me 100% an "adult". I do realize this.
I'm just taking advantage of my opportunity to enjoy this golden birthday of mine.

The thoughts of being fully responsible for myself, being in college and living on my own, and all that "good stuff" have been filling my brain lately. I feel young and vibrant and like I can do anything I set my mind to. I hope that some part of me always feels young and vibrant and like I can do anything. It would be a shame to lose that youthful spirit.

I wonder if everyone has these thoughts and feelings in these few months preluding their 18th. I wonder if everyone has at least one "I have my whole life ahead of me" moment inside of them. I hope so. It is truly a wonderful feeling.

I must end my typing session here. I have to go do homework. hahahha (:

Monotonous Thinking

2009-08-25T18:12:00.004-05:00

For the past couple of days, I've gone over and over all the picky details of my future college career.
It's almost driving me crazy.

"What major am I going to pursue?"
"Is there a 24 hour gym at my college?"
"Will I be self-disciplined enough to work out every day if there is?"
"I will have a monthly budget for coffee." :)
"Will I be able to get that 30 I need to get more scholarship money?"
"I wonder if I should figure out 'the scholarship thing' myself, or get help from my counselor."
"I can't wait to be on my own, kinda.."
"I'm waiting for that '2 o'clock in the morning-surrounded by papers, books, and coffee-working and studying my butt off'' moment."
"Am I up-to-date on all of my shots?" (haha)
"When I get my allowance next time, I need to send in that application fee with all of the other stuff required (shot records, ACT score, highschool transcript) so I can soon be officially registered at the college."
ETC!

All of these things, and many more, have been going through my brain, being mind-numbingly picked over, and repeating for the a few days; and it's getting harder to sort out how many questions I have-and to remember them all.
AAGGGHHH!!!
*composure, Sarah, keep your composure..

Pray for me, please, lol. Thanks! :)

My Future Career?

2009-08-11T15:57:00.004-05:00

As an underclassman in high school, I had my academic future all planned out. I was going to major in Business Administration, getting my MBA (Master's in Bus. Admin.) eventually, and be a "business woman". This plan suited me just fine until my 11th grade year. I had just completed a Psychology course, and was now considering entering the field of Psychology. I had even thought of combining the two and becoming an Industrial Psychologist.. those people who help businesses run smoothly by psycho-analyzing the workers and their environment, etc. It seemed again as though I had it all figured out. But, (Of course there's a "but" right? Decisions like this are never that easy.) I had also been visiting my mom's classroom every day, after I got out of school. She is a para in an autistic classroom at an elementary school, and I begun to help out in the afternoon with the kids. I really enjoyed working with them! So then, I thought about being a special education teacher. But the thought hit me, "Being there for a few minutes every day and being there all day every day are two totally different things", and might not suit me as well as regular education.

So, of course, present day, this very moment, I am completely confused about it all. I never thought I would say this, (the one who loves to have everything planned perfectly before hand) but I think that's ok. I don't think it's mandatory that I have everything figured out right now, because I have more time than just these next few months to figure it all out. I would rather take my time and discover what I have a passion for, than major in something I come to find to be wrong for me and be miserable the rest of college, or my life!

So, I have devised a plan. *evil laugh*
In school this year, I am taking some business courses, as well as a teaching course, and have pretty much eliminated Psychology as a career. (Although, any type of business management or teaching will have psychology involved, so there you go.) Hopefully, by the time I have completed these classes (and graduated!) I will know more specifically what my plans will be.
[[I realize, also, that I have to get the ok from God before I do any of this. I am aware of God's say-so and am not ignoring what he has to say. He has the final "yes" or "no" on anything I am interested in.]]

All of this was brought up because of something that happened in school today. In the teaching class I am in (STAR-Students Reaching and Teaching), I have to submit an application to be in the class, which includes 3 teacher reccomendations. Two of the three filled out the paperwork while I was standing in the room and were thrilled when they knew I was in the STAR program. "If you became a teacher, the world would be a better place." and "I think you would be an excellent teacher; I really do." were the responses I received. I was both flattered and shocked! I could not believe some of the teachers I admire most were giving me such confident remarks towards my decision!

A little background..
My thoughts on becoming a teacher began subtly in junior high school. It crossed my mind, but I dismissed it as a career that made too little money for my interest, and forgot about it. Later, the desire returned in high school, but I was still determined to not pursue it. Now, because of the fact that, over the years, I have had no doubts about teaching, except the salary, I believe it may be God's will. Jesus usually reveals His will slowly, but unchanging, which is what has happened here. But I am still not positive. I am positive that I'm not going to let something stupid like "not making enough money" have such a heavy impact on my decision. I really have no specific direction yet, so in honor of Brother Rick.. "More prayer, more fasting.."

Last First Day of Highschool-Ever.

2009-08-07T15:52:00.005-05:00

Today, I experienced my last first day of high school, ever. It was interesting, but successful:

1)I was feeling sick in Principles of Business and had to go to the bathroom. Great first impression, right?

2)My second hour is American History, which is a class I've been dreading since before I was born, basically. But my teacher is hilarious and loves to joke around, so we'll see, I guess. I have always disliked history classes, but hopefully she will change my mind. I am optimistic, though it doesn't sound like it. :)

3)I spent English class in the wrong class, because I wasn't aware that the counselor had already fixed my schedule and replaced the wrong class with the right one. But it's all good.

4)My STAR class requires a lot of supplies, which means $$$. But I trust that God will provide. Otherwise, I'm excited about it. By the end of the year, I will definitely know whether or not I'm interested in this major.

5)I found out today that my Accounting class is valid for college credit. Hooray!

6)PE2 is dumb.

7)I was almost completely lost in Calculus AP, but I think I'm gonna be ok. :)

A memorable last first day, I think.
I'm totally excited about reaching souls. I love the fact that God is using me, and I hope that I continue to be in His perfect will in all things.
I'm also so excited to be a Senior! I can't wait to go to Senior meeting this Monday, just because I belong there.. (because I'm a Senior!)

What if it's God speaking?

2009-07-25T07:43:00.003-05:00

I wonder how often God has tried to speak to me, but I did not hear what he was saying?

The song "God Speaking" has been on my heart the past couple of days. It sings of the idea that Jesus speaks to us through everything; not just words; and not just "feeling after the Holy Ghost". The songs asks "Have you ever watched a sunrise, and felt you could not breathe? What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking?"
http://www.hayleymasters.com/index2.php?v=v1 (bottom left, music player, track 6)

I had a moment a while back similar to this. I was outside, trying to calm down after an arguement I was having with someone. I stopped a few steps away from the door, closed my eyes, and simply whispered "Jesus, please." There was immediately a very gentle breeze sweep across me and anchor my emotions, putting a smile on my face. I just knew God had used that to answer my prayer, and now am reminded of God's love almost every time I feel a soft breeze blow past me.

I was, for whatever reason, awake for the sunrise this morning, which reminded me of this song yet again. The sunrise was a beautiful pink, fading into green and blue, with grayish purple clouds. It reminded me of how awesome our God truly is--to be able to do something so mighty with such little effort.
(My dad lovingly says that every thing happening in the sky is nothing but God having fun with a paint brush. [Dad is a painter himself.]) (:

That lovely sunrise and song started my pondering on the beginning question. How many times have I not heard what God was trying to tell me because I was listening in the wrong direction?

My Calling

2009-07-07T15:32:00.003-05:00

In a previous blog, I had mentioned the possibility of my calling being speaking/teaching/preaching in church, but said that I was still unsure and praying about the whole thing. I had started being specific in those prayers, asking God to give me a very clear confirmation--one that would not leave any doubt whatsoever in my mind as to whether or not this is my calling.

This past Sunday, I spoke to our Sunday School Director, Brother Jerry Long about all of it, explaining that I have been confused and longing to have an answer. He very point blank gave me a confirmation for that calling, stating that he has known for years that I am supposed to be doing that, and was waiting for the right time to bring it up.

I am speaking in Sunday School this coming Sunday. It is only for 10 minutes or so, which I have already been doing, but it seems different this time. I have been previously adding to what the teachers were speaking about with personal experiences, examples, and various points God brought to my attention while listening to the lesson. This, however, is more responsibility. I am speaking on whatever God lays on my heart, which means that I alone have to feel after God's will for the direction of the class while preparing. (I am in no way bragging about this new responsibility, just more detailedly expressing my nervousness.)

I am totally scared, to be honest. But I know that God will use me if I submit myself and seek His face as I prepare. I am hoping that I can pray enough to where I dissappear and God totally takes over. (I figure that way, if I mess up, I can blame it on God wanting me to mess up... lol.)

Please pray that God's perfect will would be accomplished through me, and that Sarah Parker would not mess up what He wants to say. Thank you! :)

Camp Meeting 2009

2009-07-04T15:03:00.005-05:00

I had a wonderful time this week at Camp Meeting! God did so much in those few services!
I think the thing that stuck out most to me was what Jesus did Friday night, when Brother Lee Stoneking preached. He spoke to us about a few things, but the thing that struck me the most was his thought on this scripture: "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye." -Psalms 32:8. He made the statement "There will come a point, in you walk with God, when you don't have to wait to hear where Jesus is telling you to go, you will be able to see where He's looking, and go there." I thought this was the coolest way I've ever heard of to view this scripture, and this is now my prayer. I hope that I get so in tune with God and His perfect will, that I will be able to see where He's looking. I am not saying that hearing from God is bad, and neither was Brother Stoneking; hearing from Jesus is wonderful and necessary. He was speaking specifically of moving forward in your walk with God.. becoming so close to Him that what He's feeling and seeing, you can feel and see as well. That would be wonderful to be that close to Jesus!

Anticipation

2009-06-29T12:18:00.005-05:00

My thoughts have been consumed today with those of my future:

I plan to go to SLU in Hammond in the Fall of 2010. I just received an ACT score that gets me $2,500 in scholarship money and pays completely for my Room & Board on campus. I am so excited about how God is already helping me prepare for my future academically. I am still anxious though, to see it all play out. I have thought of applying early and securing my spot in the classes I want, but I am still not positive what I want to be when I "grow up". My mom has suggested my majoring in "General Studies" and figuring it out as I go, but I have issues with this. I think it's mostly because I've always thought of myself as focused and ''knowing what I want'', and the posibility that I really have no clue scares me a little. But I'm still praying about it all and hopefully God will give me specific answers to those prayers.

Spiritually, God is doing great things in my life. I honestly feel that Senior Church Camp this year changed something deep inside of me. I can boldly say that I have a "made-up mind", and nothing will turn me from God, which is a treasure to me. My mom has before asked a lady in our church how she has lived for God for so long, and she simply said, "You've got to have a made-up mind, Sister Kelly." I greatly admire this woman, and to have more of an understanding of her testimony blesses me so.
Various leaders in the church have told me that they have noticed my stepping up and am in the will of God to be doing so. (I am in NO way bragging, merely typing as I think.) This conformation in God's using me is a wonderful blessing. Not only to me, but I know also to my parents, my pastor, my youth leader, etc. Not to mention, all the souls that God will reach if I allow him to use me to do so.
I have also felt something else God is calling me to do. I've only spoken with a few people about it, because it really scares me to think about it. I think I'm going to be a.. umm.. speaker? I don't really understand the word for it. I know I'm not going to be a preacher specifically. I think it's more like "teaching in the spirit", which is preaching, isn't it? Geez, so confusing sometimes..ha! God has given me the beginnings of a.. message? lesson? I don't really know yet.. haha. :) Before I told anyone about this, Brother Jared Howell's wife, at camp, said something to the effect of "If you think you're going to be a woman minister..". Then my youth leader said something similar in a Sunday School class one morning. Also, my pastor's wife told me the other day, if I felt anything to teach or just layed on my heart for our upcoming ladies event, I could just let her know. All of these things were said to me before the person speaking knew what God has layed on my heart. That means that God has confirmed it three times now, which, I love it when He does that. In conclusion to all of this, I am still not positive of anything and am still doing a lot of praying about it all. It really scares me, which probably means even more that God is calling me to do it :P.

I think the final part of my future that I have been contemplating, for some time now, is marriage. Please, don't have a heart attack :P. I know that it will be at least 3 or 4 years, maybe more, before I even begin dating, but it has been on my mind nonetheless. I am just happy at the thought of having a physical person to be intimate with. I am more happy at the thought of it being with the person whom God has chosen and given His blessing to us for the rest of our lives.
To live forever in God's will is "the ultimate" for me, and I know that relationships play a big role in that. I am patiently waiting for whomever God is preparing for me, excited at the thought that He is preparing someone for me. I know that I still have highschool and college to go through before all of that, and that I have a lot of growing in God, and learning to depend on Him alone, to do.
I am glad that it is a process, rather than something that I would just get kind of thrown into before I'm ready. But I think the thing I've learned most about that process, as Aaron put it at camp, is to focus more on the process than the end result. It gives you more time to enjoy the things you learn and the life you live in between here and there.

There are so many things happening at once, it would seem overwhelming to some. But I have a God who cares and loves me enough to make sure that these things don't overwhelm me. My brain may be noisy, but God can easily quiet it, if it becomes too much for me to handle.

My brain is so noisy sometimes.

2009-06-28T13:38:00.003-05:00

Many of my church family members have had a Blogspot for a very long time, but because of my commitment issues with online blogs, I have hesitated in making one myself. This changed when, last night, it took me hours to fall asleep, merely because there are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't quiet my brain long enough to drift off. I decided to make one of these with the thought process of knowing that I don't HAVE to write something every day. I don't even have to write for months if I choose, which eases my "diary phobia".

So, this is my first blog and a sort explanation, I guess, for the title of my blog.
God bless.